


prime numbers

by sumomomochi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, F/M, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome - F/M/M, camgirl dave, genderswapped dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 16:12:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumomomochi/pseuds/sumomomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TA : gue22 who’2 got fiive four day pa22e2 to pax priime motherfucker2.<br/>EB : niiiiiiiice<br/>TG : trade you tit pics for one<br/>TA : you’re on.<br/>CG : OH MY FUCKING GOD NO.</p>
            </blockquote>





	prime numbers

**Author's Note:**

> Dási pronounced daisy because beta derse girls should totes have flower themed names. many thanks to minniebot for coming up with that it's gr8
> 
> AND NOW YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION, A TRULY REDONK AMOUNT OF PORN.

TA : gue22 who’2 got fiive four day pa22e2 to pax priime motherfucker2.   
EB : niiiiiiiice.    
TG : trade you tit pics for one   
TA : you’re on.   
CG : OH MY FUCKING GOD NO.

Karkat practically shrieks the words behind you as he types them but he’s too late. Your webcam’s already open and you’ve pulled your shirt up to your armpits. The sound your dickbag bestie makes as you pop your tits free over the top of your bra probably causes every dog in a twenty block radius to spontaneously flip their shit. If you’re really quiet, you think you can hear all the barking even over the thumping bass pouring through your speakers while you play.

“Put your fucking tits away, I swear to god, Strider!”

You blow him a kiss over your shoulder while you adjust the angle of your cam to get you from just the chin down and tease, “Why? Ain’t like you can see them from where you’re at.”

He buries his face in his hands, red from the tip of his ears down to the collar of his shirt. Score one for you; it’s not hard to fluster Karkat but making him blush noticeably with how dark his skin is? Really fucking hard but completely adorable and worth it every time.

You leave your guildmates to stew in anticipation while you do the necessary editing. Your tit pics just ain’t yours unless they’re completely absurd. You’ve got a photoshop action preset so absurdity is but a click away and, in a stroke of pure genius, you type “tits 4 tix” in comic sans, off center and just above your nipples.

Literally everyone online in your guild’s skype chat downloads the file when you drag it over, even fucking Karkat, the hypocritical pervert.

TG : daaaaang gurl 8wingK*   
TA : niice try tg ii’ll only trade my hard earned pax tiicket2 for genuiine nerd tiit2 thank2.   
EB : hard earned pax tickets my ass sol you wrote a script to get those.   
TA : and iit wa2 hard work   
TG : lol ur such a lira we all kno u could do that in ur sleep

You can hear Karkat repeatedly facepalming and asking himself why the hell he’s friends with you all, but PAX tickets are on the line and if you can get a four day pass using nothing more than your feminine wiles, you sure as fuck are gonna go for it. Using your feminine wiles for PAX tickets from one of the most attractive nerds you know is especially worth it. You strip your shirt off the rest of the way, your bra following it shortly, and reset for a new picture.

A piece of paper with “twinarmagedons is a horse fucker” written in red sharpie surrounded by lopsided hearts is held up under your tits for proof, your back arched to make them extra perky. With your chin tucked down you can even fit some duck lips into the frame. It’s pretty fucking ridiculous all on its own so you skip the photoshop filters and just dump the file over for your potential PAX pimp to peruse.

TG : ahahjahahhahahah omfg ur so presh lookit ur cute little boobs >w<   
EB : ahaha roxy wow.   
EB : oh jeeze wow dasi.   
TG : the things a girl will do for a free ride to pax   
TG : i feel u bb if flashing my tatasc ould get me there i so wud   
TA : holy 2hiit you actually diid iit.   
TG : no fucking duh pax is like nerd mecca   
TG : i would suck so many dicks for a free ride   
TG : thankfully i know a total loser who offered up a four day pass in exchange for a shitty webcam picture of my tits   
TA : wow rude.   
TG : ahahahah aw yea bb u tell him ;DDDd   
TA : joke2 on you dasi ii’ll be gettiing the pa22 you’ve claiimed maybe ii’ll hold iit ho2tage for 2omethiing el2e.   
TG : nuh uh bro ive got a lawyer primed and ready to go dont make me sick her on you   
TA : tz doe2 not count a2 actual legal coun2el.   
TG : does too   
TA : doe2 not.   
TG : does too   
TA : doe2 not.   
EB : wow you guys, get a room :P

“Will you put your fucking shirt on already?”

“Fucking seriously,” you snort, “You’ve seen my tits, dude.”

Karkat beans you in the back of the head with your own god damned pillow and you almost pee yourself laughing when you turn around and he covers his eyes.

===>

TA : oh my god aa tg sent me a piicture of her boob2 for a pax tiicket.   
AA : w0w really?   
TA : yeah iit wa2 pretty 2weet ngl but ii totally recognize tho2e boob2 holy 2hiit.   
TA : except there ii2 no fuckiing way ii play 2tupiid 2hiity mmo2 wiith a porn 2tar iif ii diid and that porn 2tar actually came wiith me two pax ii would actually fuckiing diie.   
TA : 2wear two god aa ii would diie and iit would be a horriible boner iinduced death.   
AA : h0ld 0n which tg?   
TA : the obnoxiiou2 douchebag one.   
AA : 0h man karkats friend is a p0rn star? w0w ahahaha 0u0   
TA : fuckiing hiilariou2 concept huh?   
TA : ii can’t fuckiing beliieve iit.   
TA : there ii2 no way ii am lucky enough two get free piic2 from a famou2 cam giirl.   
AA : i th0ught she sent them t0 y0u f0r a free pax ticket   
TA : yeah but 2tiill.   
TA : a pax tiicket 2hed have two piick up from me.   
TA : iin per2on.   
TA : ba2iically there ii2 no way thii2 ii2 anythiing but crazy random hapiin2tance.

===>

TG : aw yeah motherfuckers guess whos tiamet just arrived   
TA : fuckiing fiinally je2u2.   
EB : i still don’t understand why you didn’t get something else.   
TG : yo its not my fault its been sold out every time ive had the funds   
TG : im a badass bitch who deserves the very best tyvm   
TG : and bills are a thing us real adults have rich boy   
EB : hey rude!   
TA : 2he2 got a poiint.   
TG : gaps!! vent ime veeent time omg so excite   
EB : much audio.   
TG : very words   
TA : wow.   
TG : ROLF   
EB : ahahahah   
TA : fuck me that wa2 not on purpo2e at all.   
CG : SUUUURE KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT DOUCHETRUCK.

The call finally loads and Sollux spits, “Douche truck? Wow, nice combo there, tit canoe.”

Roxy cackles and claps and Karkat fires back, “Why would I even bother rolling out the red carpet for you, oh pizza faced overlord. Is your parents’ basement not enough for you anymore?”

“Hey assfuck, just remember who’s selling you a four day PAX pass.”

“Yeah, because, as Dási’s handler, I’m legally obligated to go. She’s gotta be on a leash at all times except for inside dog parks”

You deadpan, “Kinky,” and smirk at the trio of choking noises.

“Aw, honey, I would high five you so hard for that,” Roxy croons and you assure her, “I am mentally high fiving you, I promise. It’s such an epic high five Rox, you don’t even know. It echoes across the mountains and the seas and shit, whoops, I think we just woke the kraken quick everyone head for high ground.”

“Jesus fucking christ could you _be_ any more obnoxious?” Karkat grumbles.

You shrug and shoot back, “You weren’t complaining last night,” and John _oooh_ s like the dorky fratboy he is.

“There’s a difference between your inane drivel and you screaming my name.”

Karkat’s complete deadpan makes you proud and you turn just enough to finger gun at him.

“Wow, the prude’s all grown up,” Sollux snarks.

“At least I’m not a virgin still, dickmunch.”

“Taking your mom to prom doesn’t count as getting laid, ass licker.”

“You guys are so cute,” Roxy swoons at the same time John crows, “Gaaaaay.”

Pink in the face, Karkat grouses, “Can we just start a fucking match already?”

Halfway through the match, Karkat gets gangbanged by half the other team and explodes into a litany of curses. It’s beautiful and it echoes through your group chat like crazy.

“Holy shit, Karkat,” John laughs, “Your rage is so intense I’m getting it in stereo.”

You tell him, “Naw dude, you ain’t subjected to the half of it.”

“Are you guys like, actually in the same room?” Roxy asks.

“Totes,” you say, “I am actually on his dick right now. Sorry guys, there’s a reason why he sucks so bad.”

“Oh my fucking god Strider! Shut up or I will flat out strangle you --”

This time it’s Sollux who interjects with, “Kinky,” and stops Karkles mid rant. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.

===>

TA : tg ii2 actually a cam giirl ii have confiirmed thi2.   
TA : holy fuckiing 2hiit ii’ve 2pent like three year2 fake cyberiing wiith a porn 2tar.   
AA : w0w   
TA : no aa you don’t under2tand ii’ve paiid to watch one of my friiend2 jerk off wiithout even knowiing iit.   
TA : al2o thiis friiend ii2 goiing to be viisitiing iin liike two month2.   
TA : ii am offiiciially freakiing the fuck out.

===>

TG : yo so we should really figure out like travel arrangements and shit   
TG : i mean im pretty enough that i could find room and board with basically anyone all ive got to do is bat my eyelashes and pout a little but i doubt karkles would have the same luck   
CG : WOW FUCK YOU.   
TA : ehehehehehe   
TG : that could be arranged   
TA : can ii watch?   
TG : going rate is twenty for fifteen minutes   
TG : no watersports thats against my contract   
CG : NO.   
CG : JUST NO.   
CG : I AM COMPLETELY DONE.   
CG : EXCUSE ME WHILE I LEAVE BECAUSE NO AND ALSO FUCK YOU.   
TG : jeeze no need to throw a fit i woulda split it with you   
TG : though actually with a partner i should so charge like triple   
TG : for realz i could do some incredible shit   
CG : SO TRAVEL PLANS.   
TA : ii have a hotel booked already but ii liive pretty clo2e 2o you guy2 could take iit   
TG : no dude this is pax we are going to party the entire fucking time like the gross nerds we are if you even dare suggest youre not crashing with us i will completely disown you   
TG : john will take over your place as favourite nerd   
TG : cant let that happen hes a rich white boy hes not a real nerd   
TA : beliieve me ii totally know how much of a riich whiite boy he ii2.   
TA : he ii2 the riiche2t of whiite boy2.   
TG : a fucking men   
TA : he’ll probably end up 2pendiing a lot of tiime at our hotel room two you know.   
TG : yeah probs he invited us to stay with him too so   
CG : NO HE INVITED YOU.   
TG : same dif   
CG : DUDE, HE WANTS IN YOUR PANTS.   
TG : dude everyone wants in my pants i carry around an ice scraper just for this reason   
TG : you have no idea how hard it is to get an ice scraper in texas yo   
CG : I LIVE FOUR FLOORS DOWN FROM YOU JESUS FUCKING DICK EATING CHRIST I’M COMPLETELY AWARE OF THE LACK OF ICE SCRAPERS.   
TA : eheheheh   
TG : so we had best be able to hook up game systems in this fancy ass hotel you booked us sol   
TG : jsyk   
TG : roxy has charged me with whupping whiney boy ass at everything in her stead   
TA : briing iit.

===>

Being stuck in closed quarters with Karkat on the drive up to Washington has your dumb, best friend crush flaring up hella bad. Shit’s straight out of a twee as hell Disney channel original movie except instead of starring a conventionally attractive rich white jock and and a conventionally attractive rich white cheerleader or whatever they’re spewing these days, you’re a cam whore swooning all over a dude who is decidedly not rich, white, or, well. An argument could be made for the jock thing.

You personally really fucking hate the heat for making your thighs stick together but you can’t complain because Karkat’s spent ninety percent of the drive shirtless and when faced with an otherwise boring drive.. it’s pretty nice. Hella nice. God damned fantastic because dang that boy is fine, what a view you’re being subjected to.

Halfway through Oregon, you catch him staring at you when you strip down for something less sweat soaked and you decide fuck it. It’s closing in on midnight on a Wednesday and the rest stop you’re at is empty but for the two of you so ask, “Hey, wanna fuck?”

You don’t look at him, saying it so nonchalant you could play it as a joke if you have to, because you’re an internet hooker and the last time you dated someone was high school.

“Aren’t you trying to get with Sollux?” he asks. It throws you off guard.

“What? No, dude,” you sputter, “I mean I wouldn’t be opposed, I know all the hottest nerds but it couldn’t be anything more than drunken con sex, like, the whole long distance relationship thing is no bueno with my chosen profession.”

Karkat makes his pinched, disapproving older brother face and you roll your eyes.

“Dude, you, me, road trip? Clicheist of the cliches with sex in the back seat of a shitty sedan, lit only by the moon and three flickering streetlights.”

“How romantic.”

You snort, “You could buy me dinner afterwards.”

His eyes flick up and down your body again. You’re still not wearing a shirt, your nipples hard from the cooling air and the drying sweat on your skin. You can feel goosebumps popping up all along your spine.

“Like a date?” he finally asks.

You shrug. After a long moment of silence that has your skin crawling with nerves you mumble, “It’s ‘kay, forget it. Dumb of me to say anything.” After all, who’d want to date you knowing what you do.

The clean shirt you finally pull on is godly, dry and warm from being fisted against your belly for so long. You press your palms against your tits in an attempt to calm your nips, decidedly ignoring how Karkat’s still staring at you. It’s his turn to drive so you slump into the passenger’s seat and dig your make up bag out from under it. He waits until you’re done taking off your face to climb in the driver’s side.

The first Denny’s he sees has him pulling off the highway and he kicks you under the table when you try to pay for your own fucking food.

===>

Roxy’s been texting you nonstop over the last couple of days about all the swag you have to get her. It’s a hilarious way to avoid your conflicted feelings, up until the point where you tell her you’re almost to Seattle.

> oih man bb you gotta tell me how much of a qt sol is irl he is soooooo bad at spyking  
> whops skyping ahahahah  
> like id ont think he ver actually turns on lights in his flat its v cute but v frustratinw hen im tryin to check him out!!  
> heeeeey you shwitch riving shifts wout telling me again?? ruuude!

You hesitate over your reply because, wow, how much more of a teenaged girl could you even be? You give in because while Roxy isn’t exactly the best at advice, she’ll understand.

< yo momma rox hold up ive got a p serious question brewing

> a k ;3 no worries honey

< okay so like  
< why are all the nerds i know really fucking hot

> lololol luck/.?????

< normally id be p k with this because ive got myself a hella fine nerd harem and i basically got a pax ticket for free

> buuuuuut????

< how ever is a girl like me supposed to chose

> lol wow that is a v good qeustion  
> hhhhmmmmm so here is my siwdong yonge one dont choose ;333  
> *wisdom  
> i mean im sure thers gonna be dong involved but  
> do what maks you happy bb if smoochin ur whol nerd harem maks you happy go for it  
> u can smuooch me too if we meet irl ;DD

Not actually advice you could follow but it was nice just saying something about it.

You end up seriously reconsidering the idea when you meet Sollux face to face because dang. The pre PAX party you are all going to is a fine excuse to get shitfaced because wow, you would so be down to being the filling of a ménage à trois involving two of your best bros.

===>

TA : aa dude ii can’t.   
TA : ii am liiterally unable to can.   
TA : how am ii 2uppo2ed to can when iim at a party wiith iincrediibly attractiive people.   
TA : who are comiing back two my hotel wiith me.   
TA : ii mean ju2t da2ii would be bad enough becau2e of the whole porn thiing.   
TA : but ii fiigured iit’d be okay 2ince 2he’2 actually one of u2 but 2he’2 2tiill way hot.   
TA : two hot.   
TA : liike actual giirl hot.   
TA : fake game giirl hot except not fake.   
TA : and 2he’2 roomiing wiith me.   
TA : and kk’2 roomiing wiith me.   
TA : and he’2 al2o really fuckiing hot.   
TA : there ii2 way two much hotne22 goiing on iin my hotel rn.   
TA : ii won’t make iit through the weekend.

===>

You won’t make it through the weekend. For one thing, wearing four inch heels for six hours after being stuck in a car for two days was really fucking stupid. You’re just going to go ahead and stick with that as the main reason you aren’t going to last through the weekend. It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with spending the next five days in the company of people you’d really like to bone, potentially at the same time. Nope. Not at all.

Karkat nudges you where you’re face down in one of the double beds, still dressed with the exception of your shoes.

“You look fucking ridiculous wearing sport socks with that dress you know,” he tells you.

You turn your head just enough to speak without smearing what’s left of your lipstick everywhere and snark, “Dude, you don’t know fashion. It’s ninety percent what the fuck with a shitload of glitter and shoes that could double as torture devices. Sport socks are just the beginning.”

“You’re fucking insane.”

“Yeah,” you sigh, rolling onto your back to stretch, “But I’m hot.”

“Sure, in a zombie hooker sort of way.”

“Sweet, I’ve a built in cosplay.”

Sollux giggles drunkenly where he’s sprawled out on the other bed. Karkat shifts his weight from one foot to the other, frowning in that awkward, self conscious way he has when he’s trying to be a stern badass and failing completely. You hum a questioning noise at him and he grumbles, “One of you is going to have to give up some pillows.”

You snort and Sollux smacks his hands across both pillows on his bed with a, “Nope.”

“Y’know, we could all just share a bed,” you purr, faking sultry, “consesrve body heat and all that.”

Face pink, Karkat snarls, “It’s fucking eighty degrees out, we don’t need to conserve body heat.”

“Speak for yourself. It’s fucking freezing in here.”

“See!” You bounce over to the other bed and wrap yourself around Sollux. He stiffens in surprise before melting into more drunken laughter and you tell Karkat, “We must protect our meal ticket at all costs. Come, be the littlest spoon.”

“You are so fucking dumb.”

“Don’t be such a sourpuss,” Sollux teases. You muffle a snort at how bad his lisp has gotten into the back of his neck and Karkat heaves a huge sigh. His weight dips the other side of the bed and he flops out dramatically.

“Aw yiss, hot nerd pile is go,” you mumble. Sollux hasn’t stopped giggling and it’s the cutest fucking shit.

Karkat is also the cutest fucking shit when he grumbles, “I hate you guys.”

“No you don’t,” says Sollux, and you rather like the way his voice rumbles through his chest and into yours. “Also, Dási, dude, you’re tickling me with your eyelashes.”

“Yeah. Should probably take them off.”

Sollux’s “What?” is overpowered by Karkat going, “Yeah, don’t want them to get stuck in your eyebrows again.”

You sit up, squishing your palm against Karkat’s chest; “That happened one time!”

Sollux rolls between the two of you, laughing his ass off. You scoot off the edge of the bed to head to the bathroom, fully intending to flop back into your nerd pile once your face is free of make up.

When you’re done, you find Karkat pinned under Sollux’s scrawny frame, longsuffering stare pointed at the ceiling. You make a point of making and keeping eye contact with him while you strip down to your panties, watching him blush.

“Pervert,” he hisses.

You snort, “You say that as if it’s a bad thing,” while you pull on a t-shirt to sleep in. Sollux is out like a light when you crawl back in behind him and Karkat doesn’t bother trying to move. You are so psyched to get your hot nerd pile.

===>

The morning of day one is a mad scramble that starts with you sliding off the side of the bed as Sol’s phone jars you awake. You’re flat out flabbergasted at how quickly he wakes, going from drooling in Karkat’s hair to stripping off his clothes from last night in two rings of his alarm. Karkat rolls over and stuffs his head under one of the pillows with a string of garbled profanity and you’re left to just sort of stare at the flurry of activity your supposed couch potato friend has burst into.

“C’mon, get up, we’re leaving in a half hour,” he says, digging through his suitcase in just his underwear. You’re in prime ogling position, unlike Karkat, who spits a muffled, “Fuck you, no,” from under his pillow.

Sol turns and flicks the bottom of Karkat’s foot and coaxes, “Trust me, young padawan, I know my shit. It’s either leave when I say, wait three hours in line and be the first through the door or wait and still sit in line for three hours and miss out on all the best swag.”

You rest your chin in your hand, elbow propped against the side of the bed, while Karkat emerges from hiding and glares. “What the fuck even is the time?”

“Eloquent,” you snort and Sollux sounds way too cheerful when he says, “Six-thirty.”

Karkat flops back onto the bed with a groan shortly before rolling off it. “Dibs on the first shower,” he says, frowning at the two of you, “And put on some fucking pants, both of you. A pair of boney, white people asses is exactly not what I want to wake up too.”

Yeah, boney is a great adjective for Sollux. You end up snickering to yourself, “It’d be like fucking a xylophone,” except Karkat hears as well and snaps, “Like you’re one to talk, Strider, you’re the queen bitch of scrawny ass xylophones.”

That, in turn, has Sollux sputtering with giggles, “We could make such sweet, sweet music together.”

Karkat stomps off to the bathroom, spewing, “Fuckity nope, I am so done with you guys, I’m going to drown myself in the tub. My watery grave will be so much better than your gross flirting.”

===>

Karkat wastes half the time Sollux’s allotted you guys to get ready bitching to himself in the shower, so you end up bailing on yours. There’s a reason the good lord has supplied obnoxious fruity body mists and those reasons are because you’re a gross ass motherfucker who doesn’t give a single fuck. You’re also going to be part of a mass of sweaty, unwashed nerds so even if you are an active contributor to the stank, you’re too pretty to be blamed.

Or, you will be once you finish putting on your face. You’re carted out of the hotel before you get a chance to do more than slather on some foundation, a slew of quickly picked cosmetics ratting at the bottom of your messenger bag.

“You’re such girl, jesus, Strider,” Karkat complains after you complain about your lack of eyebrows, “Who the fuck notices whether or not you’re wearing make up under those giant sunglasses?”

“Dude, no, you don’t understand the sheer beauty of virgin nerdboys freaking out over how hot I am. It’s amazing. I swear I will dine on nothing but the miasma of boners that arise in my wake and their rage over a supposed fake girl geek in their midst at fuckin’ PAX of all places. Plus you can so totally see my fucking eyebrows over my shades except for when I don’t got any, like now.”

Then you and Karkat laugh at the way Sollux’s bitching over the heat starts up the moment you step out of the hotel’s air conditioned lobby.

===>

It’s even better than you expected inside the convention center. You’re somehow not the first group to arrive, but you’re still pretty fucking close to the front of the line and the crowd builds up faster than jizz in a bukake flick. By the time you’re settled and awake enough to start on your make up without stabbing yourself in the eye half a dozen times, the lobby is booming with basslines and chatter.

You perch on Sollux’s knee without asking, which he deserves since he’s an asshole in a camp chair, and force your compact into Karkat’s hands so he can be the prettiest vanity. It’s fucking hilarious watching all the dirty looks you get from some of the sweatier, more pretentious nerds as you do your thing and it’s even funnier how Karkat and Sollux take your using them as furniture without any major bitching.

“I still don’t get why you wear half that shit,” Karkat grumbles as you curl your lashes.

“Yo, dude, I’m not Geordi,” you tell him, sliding your pinky nail through a clump of mascara glued lashes, “My shades are not an impenetrable visor. I’ve got cracks people can peek in and it’s hella wierd looking having filled in eyebrows and lipstick but naked eyeballs dude, trust me.”

“You’ll be easy to spot, for sure,” Sollux supplies, amused, “Just follow the angry stares.”

You snerk at that, “Yo, I bet once we get in there I could walk around naked and hardly get any notice.”

Karkat and Sollux both cackle at that and you start to think Roxy’s advice on the situation is the best advice you’ve ever heard.

===>

You take a selfie of yourself with the most over the top Miley Cyrus face in existence with you cheek shoved up against Sollux’s. It’s Grade-A ridiculous with your tongue practically up your nose and Sollux trying so hard not to laugh with Karkat in the back one hundered percent Not Amused and you waste a good twenty minutes applying filters to it on instagram before you migrate over to a purikura app. You send Roxy the blinged out kawaii version and then tweet it to your dedicated camgirl twitter for shits and giggles, captioned _at #PAXprime with my pimp_.

Then your section of the line is let through the door into the showroom. You pop the biggest nerd boner over literally everything. The showroom is nothing but giant displays and demos from the latest and greatest as far as the eye can see. Sollux place his hand on the small of your back to keep you moving and you swoon against him, crooning with your best, over the top southern drawl, “I shoulda brought more britches, I’m just about set to make a mess of mine already.”

===>

You keep your twitter updated with a constant stream of selfies, alternating between your trademark ridiculous and more-cleavage-than-face. The amount of response you’re getting is hilarious and you’re almost surprised you haven’t been approached yet. Then again, you are running around with two surly ass motherfuckers with a giant camera glued to your face a good ninety percent of the time

===>

There’s some downtime between one panel you’re interested in and the next so you take the opportunity to run down to the Nordstroms a couple blocks away from the convention center to pick up some tiny, lacy panties colour coordinated to your new League shirt for a quick mini set in the hotel bathroom. You’re fucking thrilled with how the set comes out, mostly shots from the logo down as you slowly strip. You post one of the less risque ones on twitter as a teaser, promising the rest next weekend for a small fee, insert coy wink emote.

===>

It doesn’t take much to get you to kiss Sollux. With Karkat off babysitting John during a panel, the two of you are left alone with the half-bottle of Fireball you packed for the trip and the spark of sexual tension. Both of you keep cracking jokes about fucking each other so you take two shots straight from the bottle, pass it over, and lean in to lick the taste of cinnamon off his teeth.

There’s none of Karkat’s prissy bitching. Sol gasps before kissing you back, all tongue and teeth when you climb into his lap. His hips dig bruises into the back of your thighs when you settle down to grind against him and even with how tall he is, you tower over him. You bury your fingers in his hair, cradling the back of his head to keep his face at the angle you want so you can devour him. The tiny shorts you’re wearing today are so thin you can practically feel his heartbeat through his dick. It’s enough to have you soaked through in hardly any time at all.

“Oh fuck,” Sol gasps against your lips, “dude, are you serious?”

You grind down against him and ask, “What do you think?”

He groans and his dick throbs and your thighs fucking _tremble_. You’re so hypersensitive, it’s ridiculous; you make porn for a living so how the fuck are you quivering like a virgin at junior prom? At least you’re not the only one freaking out. Sol’s hands flutter along your sides, touching the top of your thighs and your ribs and your back instead of palming your tits. He could hump you into oblivion but you’re both fucking around, acting like you can hardly believe what you’re doing is real --

(drunken con sex with one of your best bros who’s gonna figure out what you do sooner or later and you’re probably already ruining your friendship because seriously, there’s a reason you cam but don’t fuck)

\-- but it’s so real. Holy fucking shit, you’d forgotten what it’s like to have a real live dick all up in your business and you’re great at being noisy but being genuine is so god damned embarrassing. You keep having tiny whimpers crawl up your throat, chirping like a fucking bird, and you’re a little frantic when you go to strip off your shirt. You don’t get stuck, fucking thankfully, but the nosepieces of your shades get tangled in your hair and Sol wheezes a little laugh at you when you have to stop and fight them. He laughs harder when you frown at him.

“This is fuckin’ surreal,” Sol says, snorting like a goober, “you’re way too hot to want to have sex with me.”

He states it like a fact, amused while his eyes flick over your mostly nude torso. You roll your eyes and tease, “The only reason I’d decide not to fuck you is because you’re a literal bag of bones. Eye-dee-kay how you manage to sit on anything without tearing a hole through it, you’re sharp as fuck.”

“Fucking xylophones,” he snickers.

You grin, “Basically.”

His hands are warm when he skates his fingertips up your stomach and he bites his lip to cover the hitching of his breath when you reach behind your back to undo the hooks of your bra. As soon as it’s off, his hands are all over your tits, thumbs brushing over your nipples. You twitch and gasp, thighs squeezing a little tighter against his hips. You can feel his dick twitch in his jeans in response and you grind against him, the seam of your shorts sandwiched between your clit and his dick in all the best ways.

You think you might implode if you don’t hurry the fuck up.

Sol makes a tiny sound of disapproval when you squirm off his lap. His hands follow you your entire way off the bed and when you stand to shuck the rest of your clothes off, he gets the hint and follow suit, yanking off his shirt before hopping up to dig through his bag. He pulls out the biggest box of condoms you’ve ever seen and you bust out laughing.

“Wow, holy shit, Sol, eager are we?”

Sol turns a spectacular shade of pink and spits, “Aradia bought them, fuck you.”

“Sort of the plan, bro.”

He makes an entirely gross, embarrassed choking noise. You find it stupidly adorable, smirking at it while you shimmy your shorts down your legs. Even better is the sound he makes when he turns around and sees you with your panties barely clinging to your hips.

“Okay, I can now be sure this isn’t a dream because there’s no fucking way my subconscious would put you in fucking My Little Pony panties.”

You lick your lips and nudge your underwear down just a little bit more, eyes half lidded as you drawl, “Boy howdy, d’you got me pegged wrong. Ain’t no better representation of m’self than sweet ol’ Applejack.”

You cackle as Sol covers his face with the condom box and whines, “Oh god why do I find that so hot.”

You step out of your clothes and pull him closer by the waistband of his jeans, fingers working the button open. He’s actually in your height range, just tall enough that you have to lean up to kiss him, sucking on his bottom lip while you yank his jeans down. His dick pops free of his boxers, smearing a line of precome in your pubes. It’s hot and hard against your belly and he moans into your mouth when you slide your fingers down its length.

“Oh fuck,” he whispers, nudging you back towards the bed. You fall back onto it more than willingly. Wanton even, back arched, arms splayed out delicately, watching as he fumbles with the box of condoms. The box gets dropped onto the floor, the wrapper onto the bed next to your hip. He kneels on the edge of the bed between your thighs when he rolls the rubber down his length. You snort as one of the lines from the comic you made all through junior high comes back to you.

“Where doing this, man. Where making this happen,” you say, completely deadpan, grinning in response to his snickers.

“You’re a dumbass,” he tells you, to which you reply, “Jerk.”

He just climbs over you, his gangly, too skinny body a sharp and gorgeous blanket over your senses. You wrap around him, pulling him closer, kissing him wet and sloppy because his dick keeps bumping against your cunt and all you can really focus on is how much you want him in you.

One of his hands slides down between your thighs, fingers touching your slick junk. His thumb rubs against your clit, not quite where you want it but still close enough to make you moan as he presses fingers up into you.

“Holy fuck, Dási,” he breaths, burying his face against your neck. You gasp into his ear as he fucks you with his fingers, slow and careful.

“Dude, come on,” you groan, arching your hips, “I appreciate the foreplay but I’m already sloppier than a big mac slapped together by a thirty year old with a BA in economics -- “

“Ironic.”

“Totes, but seriously.”

Your breath catches in your throat when he pulls his fingers from you, but his dick goes to replace them almost immediately and it’s fucking glorious. You’re in love with the sigh he breathes against your throat and the way he winds around you. Two days of stubble rasp at your lips when you moan against his jaw. It’s fucking glorious and you can feel yourself winding up, so close; you’re shaking and squirming, rocking with his movements, hands fisted against his back to keep yourself from clawing him up.

And then the door to the hotel room clicks open. You flinch and Sol freezes for about three seconds and you can both here Karkat grumbling at something stupid John said, while John snickers. You whimper pitifully when Sol yanks himself from you, suddenly frustratingly empty and so fucking horny and a little too sex dazed to do much more than pant while Sollux hisses curses. Karkat goes silent for half a heartbeat and then the door snaps shut.

On the other side of it, John whines, “Dude, Karkat, let me in!”

Your face is hot but your body is too cold from your sudden lack of hot nerd. Karkat’s pinched scowl looks too fucking cute with his blush and you can feel Sollux squatting on the floor, hiding behind the bed.

“So,” you say, loose limbed and hazy, “wanna join the party?”

Sollux makes another cute, embarrassed choking noise while Karkat levels you with a flat stare.

“Are you fucking serious?” he grinds out, voice tempered and low.

Fuck yeah, you’re serious. You’ve never been more serious about anything. Being the filling of a sweaty, sexy, hot nerd sandwich is right at the top of things you want to do. You squeeze your thighs together and practically moan, “Yeah.”

Sol gasp, “Fuck,” the same way he did when your hand was on his dick. Karkat eyes both of you critically.

“John is insisting on stuffing our faces with hot, juicy dicks. His words, not mine,” he says, “It’s apparently a burger joint. Do you guys care what you get?”

“Two deluxes and fries,” Sol answers flatly.

You shrug, “Sure.”

“The two of you had better be fucking dressed by the time we get back or else I swear to god I am going to strangle you both with the bedsheets and dump your naked bodies out in the hall.”

You salute limply and Karkat stomps back towards the door.

“Finally, jeeze!” John chirps and the door shuts behind Karkat, cutting off anything else they say.

Sollux re-emerges from behind the bed, elbows propped against the mattress so he can fix you with a stare. “Did you really ask Karkat to have a threesome with us?”

“Yeah, hope that’s k.”

He climbs up onto the bed the rest of the way, his jeans unbuttoned and half on. You can see the base of his dick behind the v of his fly and you feel it’s safe to assume the only reason his pants are staying on is because of the spring tension his boner creates.

“Dude,” he says, leaning over you to press kisses against your jaw, “That is seriously the hottest fucking thing ever.”

“I know, right?” you moan back, tugging him between your thighs by his belt loops. You are so fucking chuffed that your greatly desired hot nerd sandwich might actually be a possibility.

“D’you think he’ll actually do it?”

“If there’s a merciful god, he’ll answer my prayers for a nerdy threesome.”

Sol snorts as he rolls on a new condom, the last one god knows where. You’ll have to remember to find it before you check out because there is no way the housekeepers here get paid anywhere near enough to deal with a con’s bullshit and pulling a half used condom from under the bed is way no bueno. Then he’s pressing back into you and it’s fucking amazing all on its own, but then he croons, “How do you want us to fuck you?”

You’re pretty sure you’ve died and gone to heaven. You don’t even know how to even start answering that question. The furthest you’ve allowed yourself to think on that topic has been nothing more that being pinned between two bodies with lots of macking going on. Maybe a little butt touching. Sollux’s is flat as a board but Karkat’s got enough booty going on to make JLo jealous.

You sputter and choke while Sol nips at your neck, fucking you slow and easy.

“Dude, I don’t even fucking know. Fuck my ass and call me Sally for all I care, I’m game for pretty much anything.”

“You do anal?”

“Not with how much fast food I’ve eaten in the last week.”

Sol snickers and you squirm, trembling when the shifting of your hips has him hitting the most perfect place inside you. He picks up speed slowly until you’re moaning like the porn star you are, pulled tight with your impending orgasm. You’re practically chewing on his shoulder when you come. It’s the most satisfying orgasm you’ve had in ages and you come again before he does.

“I’m so fuckin’ glad for a-c,” he mumbles against your neck after a long moment of post coital collapse, “It’d be way too sweaty for sex otherwise and I really like sex.”

He sounds so completely derp that you can’t help snickering but his dick is still seated inside you. His dick twitches, mostly hard, and you gasp.

And then your phone rings.

You groan when Sollux pulls out again to scoop up your phone. You hardly move when he drops it on your chest, call already missed. You get a text moments later and that you do check.

It’s from Karkat, saying they’re just a couple blocks away and you snicker a curse while you roll off the bed, too boneless and well fucked to be capable of dressing yourself. You get your shorts up your legs and over your ass while flopped out on the floor, pulling a shirt that’s definitely not yours over your head just in time for the lock on the room’s door to click open.

The look Karkat gives you when he walks in, John trailing in his wake, makes you giggle. Like, full out vapid blond dumb giggling and it’s so fucking stupid but you’re higher than a kite on endorphins right now and you probably shouldn’t move any because the friction of your shorts is probably enough to get you off again with how hypersensitive you are and you’re _right_ in the middle of your floor.

“Wow, you’re drunk,” John notes. You snort while you use him to drag yourself up on weak knees and you were so fucking right. You have to bite back a moan as damp denim rubs against your swollen clit.

“Nope,” you sing, “just well fucked.”

The face John makes at that is priceless, one part shock, one part embarrassment, and you laugh your ass off, flopping onto the bed you didn’t just have sex on.

“I’m just fucking with you, jesus, kid, could you be any more of a virgin.”

John grumbles, “You’re an asshole,” and tosses a bag of burgers into your lap.

“She’s right,” Karkat says, stealthily kicking your soggy panties under one of the beds, “You’re not legal to drink, ergo you’re a fucking kid so stop being such a pissbaby and get me a beer.”

“Yes, _dad_.”

===>

John wanders off for a panel a little while later, leaving you alone with Karkat and Sollux. You’ve spent the afternoon really fucking glad that the perma boner you’ve had since you had sex with Sollux was not obvious; thank fuck for vaginas. They do not betray you when you have a boner. 

Your girlboner dissipates practically immediately when Karkat breaks the quiet by tattling, “Dási’s a cam girl.”

You kick him in the shin because seriously, what the fuck, but Sollux just says, “I know.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’ve sort of. Seen you,” he shrugs, pink in the face.

Your voice sounds tiny when you go, “oh.”

“Does it bother you?”

You don’t look at Sollux before he answers, really fucking glad for once that Karkat’s bullied his way into leading the conversation. It’s fucking dumb that the only time you’re bothered by what you do is when it comes to the opinions of the people you’re close to.

It’s a massive relief when Sol says, “Nope.”

“Now that that’s been established,” Karkat brandishes a finger at you, “All I want from you is just a yes or no, for fucking serious, Dási. Anything more than that will have me noping out from this whole fucking thing so fast I’ll break the sound barrier and barf all over you from the sudden increase of g’s. Do you want to date him?”

You shrug, “Yeah,” and, oh. Hey. You should repaint your toenails sometime. They’re all chipped and gross and it’s still summer so open toed shoes are totally a thing.

“Do you want to date me?”

You’ve wanted to date him for like six fucking years, but Terezi’s your grrl and it would have been weird to date her ex and then you started to cam and basically gave up on the idea of actual relationships.

“Yeah,” and you shrug again.

Karkat turns to Sollux; “Your turn.”

“I’m in.”

“Good. You’re both fucking idiots by the way. See how much nicer things end up being when you talk about shit like actual fucking adults instead of whiney, burnt dick waffles?”

“I don’t even want to know how a dick waffle would be made let alone burnt.”

“No you fucking don’t. And since I’ll inadvertently end up monopolizing all of Dási’s time in real life, you guys can like. Do whatever. I’ll go harass John into being my entertainment for the rest of the weekend and we can figure out like, a visit schedule or something when we get home.”

Karkat stands like he’s going to leave and both you and Sol are like, fuck no. Somehow you grab one wrist while Sol grabs the other.

“We’ve discussed it and what we want to do is you,” Sol says, pulling Karkat back onto the bed he’s occupying. Karkat turns really fucking pink really fucking quickly and it’s hilarious considering he seriously just outed you and then figured out how to make a threeway relationship work.

“Dude, that was smooth,” you say as you step over to join them.

Sol agrees, “So smooth.”

“You guys are fucking idiots, why did I ever agree to this?” Karkat grumbles to himself. You straddle his lap, taking up basically the same position you did with Sollux earlier, and he kisses you so softly you think it might make you barf rainbows. Even when you nip at his lip and Sol leans in to nose at his ear, he kisses you sweetly, hands light on your thighs.

“Because we’re hot?” you say against his mouth.

Sollux scoots behind Karkat, pulling his collar away from his neck to mouth at bare skin. Karkles’ breath has picked up just a little and you can feel his dick start to harden under your ass.

And then Sol touches your jaw and guides your face to his and your sloppy makeouts over Karkat’s shoulder makes him groan and pull your hips tighter against his. You’ve actually died and gone to porn star heaven, you’re sure of it. 

Karkat’s tucked one hand up under your shirt, palming your tit, rolling your nipple between two fingertips. You breathe a moan into his ear and he groans back against your neck and Sollux kisses the corner of your mouth.

You sit back so Sollux can peel Karkat’s shirt off for him, and then so Karkat can peel your shirt off of you, mouth going to your collarbone as soon as it’s cleared your neck. Sol takes over the job of fondling your tits, thumb on one hand stroking your nipple while the other worms its way into Karkat’s jeans.

“Quit petting my pubes, you freak,” Karkat grouses, nudging you back even farther as he kisses down your breast bone.

Sol teases back, “Trust me, I’d be petting something else if I could reach.”

All of a fucking sudden, you’re swung around and dumped flat on your back across the bed, Karkat between your thighs and one of Sol’s legs trapped under your own. You gasp, “Holy fuck,” because seriously, _holy fuck_ , you were not expecting to be manhandled like that but you are so not going to complain. You are especially not going to complain when Karkat ducks down over your chest to suck on one of your tits.

Sol rolls into you, siding one hand down your belly and into your shorts, dick pressed against your hip. You’re stupidly wet again (or quite possibly still) and you part under his fingers easily, hips jerking into his touch. You have one hand on the back of Karkat’s neck, petting his hair. Your other hand is squished awkwardly between your body and Sol’s. You end up with your fingers tucked into his pant’s pocket, pulling him closer.

Karkat slides further down your body, his fingers working the fly of your shorts open. Sol’s hand retreats when Karkat tugs your shorts down, pressing his lips against your hipbone. Then he stands back, grabs you by the calves, and yanks your ass to the edge of the bed. You squawk in surprise and elbow Sol in the ribs for laughing.

You have no room to complain though, because Karkat drops to his knees and immediately drags the flat of his tongue against your slit. You fucking swoon, like, legitimate southern belle consumed by the vapours. Someone needs to get you some fucking smelling salts asap.

Basically all you can do is clutch at Sol, gasping against his mouth as he tries to kiss you. Karkat is wicked skilled, his silver tongue way more impressive than you ever imagined. You’ll have to thank Terezi for imparting her knowledge upon him, you’re sure, but for now you just focus on not completely humping his face.

You don’t do so well on that front. All your squirming has you half grinding against Sol, which has Karkat pinning your hips in place, which has Sol squirming out of his jeans in turn. His dick is hard and hot against your side, the head sticky slick with pre already. It sets your skin on fire and you want to touch it, jerk off one part of your hot nerd sandwich while the other eats you out but you have negative brain power. By the time you get your arm to actually move, Karkat’s already slid one palm over your hip, squeezing between your body and Sol’s to do the job for you.

It’s less that he’s jerking Sollux off and more that he’s pressing Sol’s dick tighter against you, smoothing his palm over it in stuttering half strokes, but it’s more than enough to get Sol groaning right into your fucking ear. Between that and Karkat sucking on your clit, you come hard and fast.

Karkat pulls his face away from your crotch and it’s a well deserved reprise. You’re practically crosseyed, boneless and panting. The way Karkles is rubbing his thumb back and forth against the head of Sol’s dick, still pinned against you, tickles like a bitch.

“You guys are selfish motherfuckers,” Karkat bitches, cheek pressed against the inside of your thigh.

“You’re the one taking on all the work,” you sigh. Sol hums in agreement, bucking against your hip. You add, “Not complainin’ or anything, like, holy fuck dude, you might actually be the best at threesomes.”

“Yes, because being capable of jerking two people off at the same time is totally a remarkable skill,” Karkat snarks dryly, “Guess what? I can totally rub my belly and pat my head at the same time too!”

“More ‘n I can do right now,” you snicker, patting Karkat’s unoccupied hand limply. He nips at the inside of your thigh. Your hips jerk against his face and Sol snickers, “What an eager beaver.”

You cackle and Karkat pulls away to literally roll across the floor in full nope mode. Sollux snickers at his own terrible pun.

“I am really fucking surprised the two of you aren’t virgins,” Karkat grumbles from the floor, “Oh wait, no I’m not. You found each other and have been gloriously deflowered. I’m so glad I wasn’t there for a large majority of that event. What little I saw was enough to mentally scar me to the point where I’m actually involved in this idiocy.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Sol snaps back, kicking Karkat in the thigh, “And here I was gonna let you continue to touch my dick.”

“Alas, how will I ever go on knowing that you say you aren’t interested in me touching your slimy junk. My life is just not complete unless I’ve got a paw on your dick, jacking away like my hand’s a gross, meat filled fleshlight. However will I survive?”

“Asshole.”

“Dick.”

You prop yourself up on your elbows so you can actually see Karkat where he’s flopped out on the floor like a disgruntled cat and interject, “You guys should totally make out.”

Karkles also sits up, all scowling lips and furrowed eyebrows. You shrug, pointedly squeezing your thighs together, skin sliding across skin where it’s slick with his spit and your lady spunk. Your bones have solidified enough that you’re again capable of actually participating but you are totally down to watching them mack and it’d be way easier to touch all up on Karkat if he was actually on the bed with you.

He sighs like it’s _such_ a hassle to rejoin you but he does crawl back up onto the bed. You scoot away from Sol enough that Karkat can situate himself between the two of you, twisting yourself into almost sitting up. You’ve got your feet propped against the floor to keep you from sliding off the bed, your weight mostly on one hand and a single asscheek,. You get a pretty good view of the ensuing sloppy make outs.

Karkat kisses Sollux just as softly as he kissed you. You’re kind of surprised at his tenderness considering how much of an asshole he tends to be. Even when he’s mother henning at you, more often than not it’s with a scowl and a slap upside the head. It’s freaking adorable though.

You sit up a little more, nestling yourself against Karkat’s back, hands smoothing over his jeans. Your fingers bump Sol’s as he does the same thing, hands crawling towards Karkat’s fly.

Together, the two of you get his jeans open in no time. Awkwardly and running blind, sure, but you do it in half a heartbeat and then both of you have a hand on Karkat’s dick, you squeezing the base, him palming the head.

“Okay, seriously,” Sollux says, “this is the worst direction to jerk off from, jesus.”

You snort, “I know right?” It’s amazing how much easier it is on your wrist and elbow to give a reacharound.

Karkat’s buried his face against Sollux’s neck, breathing hard. His ears are bright fucking red, his blush crawling all the way down his neck. It’s hella adorbs. The most adorbs in fact.

You’re pretty cool with all the attention on Karkat. You’ve no idea how a threesome with full participation would go down, with the exception of spitroasting which, hot, but a little too porny to be practical. You nuzzle against his shoulder, plastered against his back, taking in the way his breath hitches and his hips twitch. His nails drag across someone’s jeans. You’re not in the best position to see if he’s clawing at his own legs or at Sol’s, but you do see Sol shift and twist, scooting up on his knees to press closer. His hand leaves Karkat’s dick, tilting Karkat’s chin up instead, nudging his head back to rest against your shoulder so Sollux can devour his mouth. You can feel how hard Karkles swoons, melting against you as he fights Sol for tongue fucking rights. You bite your lip and squeeze his dick, inhaling sharp against his ear.

You fucking die when Karkat moans your name and Sollux slides his fingers through your hair. Karkat chokes, swats your hand away and squirms out from under Sol’s ministrations, panting hard. You make a questioning noise against his throat, hands sliding up his thighs.

“Fuck,” is all he gasps. You can feel him trembling just slightly, limp against your chest. Sol scratches at your scalp, bumping his forehead against Karkat’s and you all just _stay there_ , just like that for just a couple of seconds. It’s disgustingly intimate.

Karkat breaks the moment after he catches his breath, barking at Sollux, “Pants, off.”

Sollux flips him the smarmiest salute in the history of salutes and scoots back, shucking his jeans. You assumed he hadn’t been wearing underwear because his schlong has been hanging out literally this entire time but it’s one thing to assume and a completely different thing to see the evidence. You can feel Karkat swallow thickly, head tilted back against your shoulder but you just fucking _know_ he’s staring down his nose at Sol’s dick. You’re doing the same thing, just less down your nose like Queen fucking Elizabeth the first and more flat out appreciation.

Just… dang.

Your nerd harem is the best harem.

You shift and crawl the rest of the way onto the bed, one knee on either side of Karkat’s hips. He’s the only one wearing any clothes still, his jeans half under his ass at this point but still more or less on. You point this out, mouth against his neck, and mock tease, “Unfair.”

Karkat makes a gross choking noise at your sultry porn star voice and Sollux snickers.

“Never watched her shows, hm?” he croons. Karkat turns steadily redder and then mashes his hand against Sol’s face when Sol starts cackling like mad. You snicker against Karkat’s neck, nipping at his shoulder before you scoot to his side.

“It’s okay baby,” you purr, “I’m more ‘n happy to give you a show right now.”

Karkat mashes his other hand against your face. You snort and lick his palm and then fall back against the bed when he jerks his arm away, your limbs splayed wanton.

“You guys are fucking dorks,” he grouses, frowning down at you. Sollux leans into him to suck bruises into his neck and you’re in the prime position to see how Karkat’s eyes roll back, eyelids fluttering as his mouth goes slack. Sollux presses more of his weight against him, reaching down to fondle his dick some more.

You prop yourself up on one elbow to watch the show and snake the other hand down to the fork of your thighs, fingertips dipping between your lips to rub at your clit. After a few moments of shuddered gasping, Karkat’s eyes flicker back open and he stares down at you dumbfounded for half a heartbeat before he bites out, “Oh, _fucking christ_ ,” followed by a sharp inhale.

Sollux takes a look at you out of the corner of his eye, mouthing along Karkat’s jaw, and breaths, “I know, right?”

You slowly run the tip of your tongue across your upper lip, eyes gone half lidded. Sollux snorts but Karkat is dumbfounded. You jerk into your own touch, catching yourself in just the right spot, gasping as your hips twitch. Karkat groans a low _fuck_ , the vowel drawn out like taffy and he grabs Sol’s wrist in a vice grip, pulling his hand away from his junk again.

You get to watch as Karkat manhandles Sollux, using his superior strength to basically toss Sol across the bed much like he did with you earlier. Sol lands more or less next to you, one leg flopped across yours but otherwise pretty parallel. Karkat slides off the edge of the bed and his jeans literally fall off. He’s left with just his boxers clinging to his hips, dick pulled out over the waistband and holy fucking hell. You’ve recognized his hotness for ages but you are fucking starstuck at how god damned gorgeous he is, so utterly the opposite of Sollux. You bite your lip and take a moment to admire his nerd physique. You’re ninety percent sure Sollux does the same next to you.

Karkat shucks his boxers too, looking at the both of you like a particularly well plated buffet, all smug and domineering, fuck yes. You squish your thighs together around your hand, squirming under his gaze. His eyes flick up to Sollux and Sollux pats you on the waist, going, “Your turn dude.”

“How magnanimous,” Karkat drawls, unamused, while you protest, “Fucking rude!”

Karkat levels you with a stare in turn and you shrug.

“He did have first go so I suppose it’s your turn,” you shrug again, “If you wanna.”

“You are such a fucking chickenshit, Dási,” Karkat grumbles back, eyes narrowed and hip cocked to one side.

“Yo dude, now is so not the time to be pointing out all my flaws, okay?”

Sollux lays a palm over your tit and says, “Shoosh, only sex now.”

You snort and Karkat rolls his eyes and then Sollux sits up and clambers off the bed, all limbs as he crosses the room to his suitcase. He pulls out the giant box of condoms and shoves one against Karkat’s chest, tossing the rest of the box on the bed within easy reach.

The room's filled with this awkward, sudden uneasiness. It's fucking dumb, like, were you or were you not all gearing up to go at it like rabbits? You were but in the twenty seconds it took to secure prophylactics, you all went back to waffling like awkward teenagers and it feels way too much like you and Sol are bringing Karkat into your relationship instead of building a rad triangle shape thing all together.

You sit up and grab Karkat by the wrist, pulling him towards the bed. He gets half a knee on the edge next to your thigh and sure, he's beefier than you by a shitload but you've got enough leverage to swing him 'round and knock him flat on his back across the bed. You can feel the bed dip as Sol kneels on it next to and sort of behind you. Karkat's gaze flicks from you to Sol and back. You can see the bit of hesitance he still has because for all his bravado he's still such a fucking idiot, but he's a gorgeous idiot with rich warm skin and a compact, strong frame and a great cock that's thick and hard and also gorgeous.

His breath hitches when you straddle his hips, his dick jumping up to meet you. You pluck the condom off his chest where the plastic is stuck to his skin, deftly unwrapping it and unrolling it down his dick. Sol's taken to watching you, sat back on his heels with his hand on his junk, not quite jerking off but close enough. You wink saucily at him as you rock your hips against Karkat's, who rolls his eyes at your interaction with Sollux before groaning low and deep at the way you slide your cunt across his dong.

He's a lot thicker than Sol, stretching you comfortably despite your earlier activities. You can feel him trembling, just a little, thighs and stomach quivering with restraint. His hands are feather light on your thighs again as you sink down onto him, slick and sloppy, and his jaw is slack, arousal striking him dumbfounded.

"If I'd had known getting you to shut up was this easy, I'da boned you ages ago," you quip, smirking down at Karkat from your position in his lap.

"Yuck it up, sunshine," he bites back, dick throbbing in you, "if I'd have known you'd talk shit the entire time, I wouldn't have agreed to this stupid thing."

Sollux snorts and Karkat bucks up into you, wiping any thought of snarky replies clean from your mind. You roll your hips over Karkat's, rocking, not bouncing, getting off the way you prefer. Karkat lets you, breathing hard with his hands on your hips and his eyes glued to your tits. He's meeting you halfway, hips pushing up into yours, the head of his dick grinding against your g spot. It takes fucking no time for you to cream yourself, curling over Karkat as your orgasm overtakes you.

Sol’s hand slides down your spine and Karkat’s grip your hips, keeping you in place while he pistons up into you. You’re fucking jello, loose limbed and hazy, moaning against his cheekbone while you roll with his movements, riding his bucking bronco better than anybody at the rodeo. Get you a hat and call yeehaw and your metaphor is a legit porno.

With how far you’re slouched forward, he’s no longer stabbing you in a dead on bullseye, but between your years long dry spell, your post orgasm hyper sensitivity and the way his fat cock drags at your insides with every thrust, splitting you beautifully, you still tremble and gasp, easily working your way back towards another impending peak. Your thighs are shaking worse than any part of the ring of fire ever has. It takes way too much effort for you to pull yourself back upright and it’s only Sollux’s hand on your shoulder that keeps you from keeling right the fuck over again when the shift in position has the flare of Karkat’s head dragging against your internal cream yourself button.

You still bite out a sharp, needy, “Fuck,” abs rippling with pleasure. It makes Karkat falter in his rhythm for half a heartbeat, his next thrust coming a half second later than you expect, and Sollux presses closer. His dick nudges against your thigh, right were Karkat’s fingers press against your skin and the kiss he drops on your shoulder is sloppy and wet.

“You guys should scoot up a bit,” he says, voice low and husky and silly as fuck with how pronounced his lisp has gotten without him thinking about it. Your snicker is cut short when Karkat’s hips surge up, knocking the breath out of your lungs and the thoughts out of your mind and damn near unseating you too. You have to slap your hands down against his chest to keep your balance, dumbfounded as he manages to slide both of you up the bed a good six fucking inches like it ain’t no fucking thing. Your cunt throbs and you moan and basically the only reason you don’t swoon again is because Sollux climbs behind you and slides both his arms around your waist.

The change in position has Sol’s dick pressed against your tailbone, his chest plastered against your back. You can feel the tiny twitches of his hips, grinding his dick more firmly against you, just slightly off beat from how Karkat’s still thrusting into you. It’s a crazy amount of sensation. It’s too much when one of Sol’s hands comes up to cup your left tit, the other sliding down your stomach to finger at your clit, dipping lower to trace where you’re stretched around Karkat’s girth.

Your next orgasm shakes you to pieces. You were already close to falling apart but this one does you in. You melt back against Sollux, chin dropped to your chest while you pant and moan, eyes unfocused and mostly closed anyway.

You totally get why the French refer to orgasms as little deaths. You are appropriately slain by boners, your sexy corpse pinned in place by the causes of your demise. You snort to yourself because it turns out you are actually a zombie hooker and you’re so fucking loopy from endorphins that that thought is way funnier than it should be. Your breakdown into giggles doesn’t last long because Sollux apparently decides at that moment to drag his teeth across the meat of your shoulder, flicking at your clit with his finger, and you circle from dumb giggles right back to porn star moaning.

Karkat’s fingers tighten on your hips, flexing in time with his dick. You drag your eyes open enough to take a look at his face. You don’t make eye contact, can’t because his eyes are thoroughly glued to where his dick splits you and how the cage of Sol’s fingers hardly hides that. You catch his eyes flicking up just as Sollux squeezes your tit, making your breath hitch, and you can see the moment he comes. His eyes roll back and his mouth goes slack, hips stuttering to a stop under yours, dick pressed so deep in you the tip kisses your cervix. He throbs, just once. He goes limp not long after, his softening dick warm and comfortable inside you but not enough as Sol fondles you, tweaking your clit and one nipple at the same time.

You’ve lost count at how many times you’ve creamed yourself today. Way to fucking many apparently, judging by the way you can’t hardly think straight. You’re in this frustrating limbo between being hella horny and flat out exhausted, a little desperate for just _one more_. Just a tiny hit, a bump to get you through the night.

Sollux is still hard against your tailbone. He gasps, “Can I -- “ into your ear and you don’t even let him finish before you moan, “Fuck yes,” back.

You slump over Karkat when Sol pulls away, knees sliding off the edge of the bed so he can grab the box of condoms just out of arms reach. Karkat slides out of you, leaving you frustratingly empty, but he wraps his arms around you and he’s so fucking warm. The way he noses at your temple, breathing shakily into your ear as his fingers slide through the shorter hair at the back of your head re-enforces how stupid you are for him, for both of them apparently.

You jerk and gasp in surprise as Sol slides his fingers across your sopping junk from behind. His hands hands are both a little sticky when he grabs your hips to guide you down, tugging you towards the edge of the bed so that your knees are by Karkat’s hips instead of his waist and his latex wrapped chub draws wet lines with your own spunk across your belly. He only lifts your hips a little, just enough that you’re not stuck gut to gut with Karkat with every breath. You moan low and deep when Sol presses into you, sliding in with one smooth motion, and immediately jump up an octave when he fucks you hard and fast right off the bat.

You clutch at Karkat, face pressed against his shoulder, nails biting crescent moons into his biceps. He mirrors what Sollux did earlier, one hand snaking down between your thighs. He’s clumsy at jerking you off, fingertips gliding across your clit to bump at Sol’s dick. It’s still fucking fantastic. Sol’s bowed over your back, one hand planted against the bed over Karkat’s shoulder, the other on your waist, his fingers splayed against your ribs. You can feel him gasping against your shoulder blades while Karkat pants against the crown of your head. If you were able to focus, you could probably feel his heartbeat through your chest with how tightly you’re pressed together, but all you can feel is your tits jiggle as Sol fucks you a little rougher, wound tight.

Another orgasm is just out of reach for you, your body wrung dry. Sol doesn’t finish as definitively as Karkat. He comes with a hitch in his thrusts before he slows, bringing you down gradually. You still whimper when he pulls out.

Karkat kisses the top of your head while Sollux flops out next to him, cheek against Karkat’s shoulder. You reach out and pat him on the chest and tell them both, “Good job.”

Sollux snorts and Karkat thanks you drily. Then, John, the asshole, pounds like a thunderstorm on the hotel door. You actually feel Karkat flinch and it has you laughing your ass off.

“Shut the fuck up, oh my god,” he bitches, rolling under you to dump you on your side, “And put some fucking clothes on.”

Sollux says, “You can’t make me, you’re not my real mom,” just as you say, “Dibs on the shower.”

John’s still pounding on the door as you hobble your well fucked self to the bathroom in all your naked glory. Karkat yells, “Calm the fuck down, shit nugget.”

You can dimly hear John crow, “Gross!”

===>

TA : gue22 who wa2 ju2t part of a gloriiou2 three2ome   
AA : i guess s0llux :D   
TA : you gue22 riight   
AA :DDD

===>

TG : so it turns out sex in the back seat of a shitty sedan in a parking lot is no where near as romantic as ya fiction makes it out to be   
TA : ii2 that 2o   
TG : yeah i almost knocked myself out   
TA : niice   
CG : NOT REALLY.   
TG : it scared the shit out of karkles   
TG : and then somebody pulled in next to us   
TA : oh my fuckiing god   
TG : tell me about it   
CG : IT WAS AWFUL.   
TG : thankfully i wore a skirt so all karkles had to do was whip out his dick   
CG :WE WERE MOSTLY DRESSED AT LEAST.   
TG : and it was dark   
CG : THERE WERE CHILDREN.   
TG : we made it home so obvs we definitely weren’t arrested   
TA : good job ii approve of your not beiing arre2ted   
TG : thx bb   
TG : in other news karkles is just as good one on one   
CG : YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE   
TG : what its not like hes not our boyfriend   
TA : <3   
CG : YOU FUCKING HIGH FIVED YOUR BROTHER AFTERWARDS   
CG : SHE FUCKING HIGH FIVED HER BROTHER AFTERWARDS   
TA : fuckiing lol   
TG : what can i say hes very supportive

===>

TA : 2o my lea2e ii2 up iin about three month2 ii fiigure iit’ll be ea2ier for you two move up here   
TG : probs   
CG : WE HAVE JOBS ASSHOLE WE CAN’T JUST UP AND LEAVE   
TA : you have a job that you hate kk not that biig of a deal   
TG : i can work basically anywhere bro   
TG : and its not like we can’t support you until you find a job up there   
TA : yeah you could be our hou2e biitch   
CG : FUCK YOU GUYS.   
TA : that2 why you 2hould move up   
TG : hes got a point   
CG : YOU TWO ARE AWFUL.   
TG : yup   
CG : FINE. FIND US A HOUSE SOLLUX AND I WILL BE YOUR HOUSE BITCH.   
TG : wow that was remarkably easy   
TA : iit2 our 2weet a22e2   
TG : totes


End file.
